I have a confession to make and since they say confession is good for the soul why not confess it to all of cyberspace? I have been on a tough journey over the course of the last eleven months. My enemy had put the desire for more in my heart, and I began to falsely believe I was much better than I really am. "I am a great teacher and finding a better job will be easy." "I deserve better than what we have." "I am smarter than a lot of people so I should get paid accordingly."
I went through the entire school year certain God was leading me to a new job; a better paying job. I planned lessons and attended meetings with an aire of snobbery. I had a horrible attitude about my job and am sure I was just a peach to work with. In April when our car was having trouble I dreamed dreams of nice cars with remote entry and a sun roof.
Then God started to take me down a notch at a time. First, looking for a car became like a second job and nothing ever seemed to work out or be quite right. I became so stressed and upset that I began to resent my dear husband's insistance on buying a car from the "stupid" Consumer Reports list. Next I started applying for teaching jobs (10 of them to be exact) and I began waiting for the interviews to roll in (I was sure this was what God wanted). I got one interview and was passed over. Oh, so God wants to me to get what we teachers call a regular job. I applied for 10 of those too; nothing, not a single phone call or interview.
The problem with all of this want-for-moreness is that I chose to forget who was in charge. I was telling God what I wanted, asking without listening, and getting so angry with the results that I shut Him out. I faked my faith and ignored God. Funny how one can not really ignore the creator of the universe, He is everywhere. But man did I try. I got so successful at it that I could go days without praying and I didn't even think of reading my Bible daily.
God finally got through to me a few weeks ago and then really hit the message home at Beth Moore. "Be content. Be content with what you have, Suzanne. Do not worry, I will provide, just be content."
And so I am trying to be content, I am working to repair my damaged relationship with God, and I am clinging to His promises.
3 comments:
That's my sissy. Always a breath of truth-telling, honest, fresh air. Look on the bright side...I recall a two-door, poop brown Chevy Celebrity that was waaaaayyy worse than the Stratus! Love you! :-)
Suzanne,
It can be a very hard lesson when one wants something and it just makes sense that God would want us to have it as well. I have experienced the same and I do know this, what God has planned for you is way way way more better than anything you could think of yourself. ( I know that is not gramatically correct, but it says it better for me)
He will show you. Meantime enjoy what you have.
Love,
Tim
What a wonderfully fresh and raw expression of confession! It's God's kindness that leads us to repentance (ref. Romans 2:4); isn't it wonderful that He is so loving and patient with us?
Found your blog while surfing CWO and was blessed by your post! :-)
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