Friday, August 28, 2009

31 & 30 & 29 & 28 &....

One of my very favorite short stories is the story "Eleven" by Sandra Cisneros. In in, Rachel is turning eleven. At the beginning of the story she profoundly states that when you turn one year older you also keep the last year within you. Through the story she talks about wishing she were five and she points out when she acts like she is one and so on.

I am 31 but I tell you, there are days when I act like I am sixteen. On Tuesday nights when I gather with my dear bible study girls who are in their early twenties, I begin to act like I am 25 instead of 31. Some nights, after a trying day or when I have just had more than I think I can handle I am 3. And during the times when I just need to cry I am one. But, I am all those ages. I have lived them all, learned from them all and they all live inside of me.

What I really want is to look like I did when I was sixteen, have the knowledge I have as a 30 year old, and the energy I did when I was two. Is that asking too much?

Friday, August 14, 2009

A decade of blessings

Today is Chris and my 10 year anniversary. 10 years! A decade. A long time.

Walking down the aisle ten years ago I am certain I had no idea what I was in for. Like so many brides I had pictures of a life that was unattainable. What I got is so much better. I have a husband who loves me so much it amazes me. At times I have not seen it as love but it takes a whole lot of love to put up with a girl like me. I have a man who loves the Lord more than anything and seeks with all his heart do His will. I have a man who cherishes his sons.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with a life mate who loves You above all else and as an outpouring of that loves me more than I deserve. Thank you for seeing us through the bumpy road of the past ten years. Continue to nurture, feed, and grow our love for You and for each other.

With Joy,


Monday, August 10, 2009

7 years, 1 month & 1 day

I can remember it like it was yesterday instead of 7 years, 1 month, and 1 day ago. I can remember that whole time, really. It is a bit shocking how much I actually remember since I have the tendency to "forget" the things in life that are hard or difficult.

I remember visiting home Memorial day weekend and being so excited that Mom was up and around and so, well, alive. We went grocery shopping, talked forever, she even let her grown daughter lay in her lap as she stroked my hair (my favorite time with my mom since I was a kid).

I remember two weeks later the frantic call from Sara telling me to hurry home. I remember wishing the 5 1/2 hour drive would be done but at the same time dreading walking through the apartment door.

I remember taking care of my mom, much like she had taken care of me when I was a baby. It was a time that was so draining but also so important.

I also remember driving home from a 1o hour day at my hotel front desk job, dreading the homework that I needed to do that night and wishing I had air conditioning in our apartment. During that drive the Spirit so impressed upon me the need to talk to my mom that I almost called that night.

I waited though until the next morning. I briefly talked to Barb, who was taking care of her so we could all get a bit of a break, and then I had her hold the phone up to Mom's ear. I remember telling her that I loved her so much. Later that morning, I went off to do some research for a class at the college library glad that I had talked to her. I was sitting at a computer in the library when I was suprised to see Chris walking in the library. Thinking he had come to say hi or take me to lunch I smiled and greeted him with a, "What are you doing here?" His response set me aback, "Honey, you know why I am here." But I didn't know, not for the first three seconds or so then everything in my life changed, forever.

So, 7 years, 1 month, and 1 day later I can still remember it all. Truth be told, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my mom. I still miss her terribly even 7 years, 1 month, and 1 day later.

Friday, August 7, 2009


I have been struck by a post my beloved sister and friend, Sara, put up a week or so ago about idle words and being accountable for all that we say. Her post has been festering in my heart. What gets me about it is not so much that I talk too much, nor that most of the time what I have to say is of no significance. I think more importantly God is really pulling on my heart about my idle time. I often spend my idle time with an idol, the TV. God wasn't kidding when he said, "Thou shall have no other gods before me." This is something I know, something I rationalize, and something I sometimes ignore. I have always loved TV. I grew up watching TV at night with my family. I love the characters and figuring out the story before anyone else. But it is idle time.

What really got me by the heart was when I was both speaking idle words and doing idle things at the same time. During a conversation with my sister on Wednesday I "profoundly" said that if someone is important to someone then they should make time for them. She was quiet (I am sure she was trying to figure out how to get me to stop talking) so I rambled on trying to justify my frustration with the relationship we were talking about. After we hung up God grabbed me and said, "Really, Suzanne, that must mean I am not all the important to you."

Uh...rats! I do believe that we make time for those things or people that are important to us but God is also right. I have not been making time for Him. What is wrong with me? I feel like Paul did when he said to the Romans, "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." (Romans 7:19) So I ask the question, why? Why do I allow myself to be so tempted, easily swayed, and lured away? More importantly what do I plan to do about it.