Questions in the Dark

It was a question whispered in the dark.

"Are you happy?"

Just moments before, my dearly beloved had read a desperate note from a friend who was blindsided by his wife's decision to seek a divorce.  This isn't the first friend this has happened to.  It's our third.

All of which brought a whispered question.

"Are you happy?"

I didn't want to answer that question.  I had been wrestling with that question.  That question isn't really the one that should be asked.  I know emotions and my heart are deceitful above all else.  Jeremiah 17:9 confirms that.

The question that really should be asked is, "Do you love me enough to stick it out?"

No and yes. 

I am not happy.  I am worried.  I am tired.  I am overwhelmed.  I am sick at my selfishness & my slothfulness.  I am frustrated. Momming four boys and being a wife to a man in ministry is more than I bargained for.  More than I am equipped to handle.  But life isn't about making me happy.  Life is about doing hard things like disciplining my children, nursing a baby in the middle of the night, taking care of the crew alone while my beloved tries to spread the love of Jesus to lost athletes.  Life certainly is not about what I can handle because who would need Jesus then.  I certainly know I need a Savior; that is abundantly clear each morning when I open my eyes to my darling blue eyed boy and his little brown eyed buddy seeking breakfast while my grey eyed baby coos in his crib until someone rescues him.

I will stick it out.  I love my beloved dearly.  Nothing in my life gets easier without him.  Just him asking warms my heart and gives me a glimmer of light. 

I am clinging to Proverbs 3:5-6 so much these days.  "Trust in the Lord WITH. ALL. YOUR. HEART.  and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  He's got this all figured out already.  And I am so thankful for that.