Death of a Passion

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a teacher. It started when I was a youngster. I was blessed enough to have a great aunt who was a teacher and she graciously shared her old teachers manuals. I remember using them to teach my stuffed animals and imaginary students. I felt like I was holding the holy grail when I held the book with all the answers. Once I hit high school I knew English and literature was my strong suit; certainly not anything with numbers. While I tried to deny my calling to be a teacher for a while, I entered my first classroom at the age of 25 and hadn't thought twice about it.

Until last year. Last year I had this terrible, nagging notion that I was not doing the right thing. And the passion and love I had for teaching began to die. I didn't really notice it at first and brushed it off as "first year frenzy". But that terrible, nagging notion just would not leave. All these questions swirled in my head at night when I wished to be sleeping.

"Who are you letting raise your kids?"

"Are you giving your family the best of you or are they getting the leftovers?"

"What does God really want you to do?"

And the passion and love for teaching I had continued to die. Only, I still failed to recognize it as such. But God has a way of making us see His way whether we like it or not. This school year has been the hardest I have had ever in all my years of teaching and part of the reason it is hard is because my passion died. I no longer have a passion to teach really cool lessons to puberty ridden teens.

But where there is death, God brings new life. A new passion is rising up in me, one I never thought possible. A passion to mother my kids like I never have before. I have always assumed I could do both:teach and be a wife and mother. What I have come to realize is that I couldn't. I have been giving my family the leftovers when they deserve the feast. And feast they shall for starting May 18 I begin to raise my boys and love my husband with undivided attention.

Because, who wouldn't want to be with this much adorableness all day?