Tied Up

When we got pregnant with Micah the conversation turned quickly to a discussion on how big the Lord may want our family.  Honestly, when we got married, I only wanted one baby.  Chris on the other hand had a different idea.  I still remember it as clear as if it was yesterday.  Driving home from Northwestern College of Chiropractic on Penn Ave.  The sun was shining and we were having a newlywed discussion about kids.  "I want 4."  He wanted four boys to be exact.  I choked and nearly hit a another car. 

Yes, I had always wanted to be a mother but four kids, four boys.  That is a little much.  What would I do with four boys?  How could we feed four boys?  But way back in 1999 I could put it all out of my mind because kids were seven years away. 

And now we have four boys.  During my pregnancy I felt like we were being told this was it for us.  Chris agreed that he also felt like four was what the Lord had in mind for us.  But, one can never be sure, maybe we are just reading things wrong.

But then we delivered Micah and my doctor said, "Wow!"  I'm laying on a table with half my body numb.  Chris is snapping photos like a paparazzi.  Micah is screaming.  "What, what is wow?"  I asked a bit nervously.  She went on to tell me that my womb was done.  The walls that hold a baby were so thin she was shocked Micah made it.  "I don't think you could hold another pregnancy."

With that, we were done.  No more babies from my womb.  I've been mourning that a little bit.  It is such a huge part of being a woman and has been such a big part of my life. Processing that that part of life is over for me has been mixed with relief and tears.  I am extremely grateful for the four beautiful boys we were given.  I am so blessed by the five pregnancies we had.

One Word: Gratitude

One word springs from a challenge by my dearly beloved's mentor a few years ago.  To seek one word to live out for that year.  I have tried to live out joy (twice and now for a lifetime), strength, attitude, and now gratitude.  As with most of my ventures, I started out just picking a word and then more and more sought the Lord to see what He has for me for the year. 

This year's word began working it's way into my heart way back in February of 2013.  These lovely ladies in my Bible study small group kept talking about this book.  A book about giving thanks and counting blessings.  I finally got my hands on a copy and read it.  Then I read it again.  Something about the message stuck with me.  In the Fall our women's Bible study did the study version of the book and I was certain God was telling me to start counting.

So in 2014 I am counting blessings and working on looking at the world through a lenses of thanks. It has already been a challenge.  Finding an attitude of gratitude while trying to help my Grandma, who is not sure she wants my help, is a challenge.  Giving thanks while Micah screams for big chunks of the day stretches me.  I know that is the point. 

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  1Thessalonians 5:18.

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I know you don't always believe this but I love you.  We had a rough one last week, didn't we?  You had had it with these kids telling you what you should and should not do.  I had had it with the snarky comments about my beautiful sister and hearing about your van.  So we let each other have it. 

"That is my van and I want it back!  Nobody told me I can't drive."

"They certainly did, you just don't remember.  Plus you can hardly get in and out on your own, how do you expect to drive?"

"Don't you turn on me too!"

The thing is, there are no sides.  Just two girls who are trying like the dickens to do the right, the loving, the responsible thing.  And honor you and Jesus above all.  It is hard, Grandma. So you know what, we went to the Lord.  Like I hadn't before; I should have known better. I prayed and prayed. 

He answered.  In a miraculous way; as He always does.  Your friend Joyce called and presented the idea of you moving to Hilda's Heritage Home.  You had agreed and I rejoiced. 

Another move on Saturday and I pray this is a place where you will flourish.  I know for sure I won't be so worried about you being alone all the time.  You even know a few people who live there and you are sure to make quick work of getting to know the rest. 

I love you, Grandma.   It is my pleasure to help take care of you.  After all you spent much of your life taking care of me. 

With Joy,
Suz

I need Him

I tend to head into motherhood rather cavalierly (is that a word?).  I think I got it all figured out and mastered.  For sure this time, I mean it is the fourth child.

I am certain God is laughing His gracious head off.  I have nothing figured out except that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to being a mother.  The only thing I do exactly right is feed babies, but then barn animals can do that, so this feat is not saying much.

Micah requires a lot of attention.  More than the others.  He spends a lot of time crying.  I think he has some tummy issues but since he cannot talk I'm not sure.

Daniel requires a lot of attention.  More than the others.  He spends a lot of time crying.  Without a certain amount of Mom-time he cries for me in a pitiful way in the middle of the night.

John requires a lot of attention.  More than the others.  He spends a lot of time crying.  Kids have been mean at school, he has made a bad choice and has a devastating consequence, he has fallen down again.

Elijah requires a lot of attention.  More than the others.  He spends a lot of time reading (a bit big for crying).  Buried in a book he escapes the chaos that is our life and tiptoes around trying to make sure he doesn't do anything to make Mom mad (she sometimes snaps at the dear child).

As I was driving home from one of the five doctor appointments we had last week.  Micah is screaming in the backseat as he had been screaming for most of the day.  Right out loud I told the Lord, "I cannot do this.  I am not equipped to handle a colic baby.  I cannot do this!"  Then I heard Matt Mahr singing "I need you, every hour I need you."  Tears fell.  "More like every second I need you," I said to myself.   And that was just the point God was trying to get across.

I need Him.  You need Him.  We all need Him in desperate ways.  So, each day I cling to the One who has the answers, the patience, the mercy, the love that I cannot muster.

Micah Andrew

A week ago at this time the big, bigger, and biggest brothers were meeting their new brother, Micah.  It was more than this emotional momma could handle and tears were shed.  It had been a long day already.  When I had gone to bed the night before I had expected to get a great nights sleep.  Wake up at 4:15 take a shower and stroll leisurely into the hospital for a c-section.

Something painful woke me up at 11:30 and it wouldn't stop.  Even when I tried to shower it away, will it away, pray it away.  Labor had indeed started.  After a quick call to my doctor and another three tries to get my sister roused in the wee hours we were off to the hospital.

We had the day right just not the time.  "Nobody knows except us and Sara and Andy."  I said to Chris on the way in.  It was kind of fun to have a secret from the world, except for contractions part.  Those really hurt and sort of dampened the mood.

At 3:25 another Anderson Boy entered the world.  We hadn't exactly settled on a name but as soon as I saw that baby I asked Chris if he could be Micah.  Chris had not been a fan of Micah, even after I wrote him an essay on why the prophet Micah would be a great choice for a namesake.  But somehow, even as I held out hope for a girl, I knew we would have a Micah. 

Andrew honors Uncle Andy.  He is a man with a true servant heart, integrity, love, and intelligence. And more than that, he loves the Lord and seeks after Him.  I pray Micah gleans even a fraction of what Andy offers the world.

Even though things didn't go as I had planned (when will I learn I am not in charge?) , I feel blessed beyond measure.