Dear John

 

 

Dear John,   You made it!  You have successfully finished your Kindergarten year.  It was fun (mostly) and a little bit hard too, uh?  I am so proud of you.  This year I saw you learn how to let others go first.  You learned how to read and discovered that words are everywhere!  You learned that some times people are not nice but that we can love them anyways.  You fell in love with Mrs. Otten and declared her the best teacher ever.  I am so proud of you!  (I think I already said that.)

You are growing up so quickly and I love the personality God gave you.  You have such a heart for people and care about them.  I also saw a very sensitive side to you this year.  What other's say is not always kind and you learned the power of words first hand.  I pray you carry that lesson with you always.

You never cease to amaze me, buddy!  You finished your whole AWANA book and reviewed it all with minimal help from me.  Keep God's word in your heart and call on during those tough moments. 

Let's have a super fun summer, ok?  Lots of playing and getting dirty and giggling.  I have missed having you at home with me and can't wait for the house to be full of boys again.

Thanks for all the joyful moments!
Love you most!
Mom

Questions in the Dark

It was a question whispered in the dark.

"Are you happy?"

Just moments before, my dearly beloved had read a desperate note from a friend who was blindsided by his wife's decision to seek a divorce.  This isn't the first friend this has happened to.  It's our third.

All of which brought a whispered question.

"Are you happy?"

I didn't want to answer that question.  I had been wrestling with that question.  That question isn't really the one that should be asked.  I know emotions and my heart are deceitful above all else.  Jeremiah 17:9 confirms that.

The question that really should be asked is, "Do you love me enough to stick it out?"

No and yes. 

I am not happy.  I am worried.  I am tired.  I am overwhelmed.  I am sick at my selfishness & my slothfulness.  I am frustrated. Momming four boys and being a wife to a man in ministry is more than I bargained for.  More than I am equipped to handle.  But life isn't about making me happy.  Life is about doing hard things like disciplining my children, nursing a baby in the middle of the night, taking care of the crew alone while my beloved tries to spread the love of Jesus to lost athletes.  Life certainly is not about what I can handle because who would need Jesus then.  I certainly know I need a Savior; that is abundantly clear each morning when I open my eyes to my darling blue eyed boy and his little brown eyed buddy seeking breakfast while my grey eyed baby coos in his crib until someone rescues him.

I will stick it out.  I love my beloved dearly.  Nothing in my life gets easier without him.  Just him asking warms my heart and gives me a glimmer of light. 

I am clinging to Proverbs 3:5-6 so much these days.  "Trust in the Lord WITH. ALL. YOUR. HEART.  and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  He's got this all figured out already.  And I am so thankful for that.

Little Men and Look Mom Moments

Micah Man

Oh my Micah Man!  How we love you.  I would say that four months has gone quickly but that would be a lie.  There have been days and nights, little man, that have felt like years.  But, oh, how we love you.

Here is what we know about you so far.  You love a face.  You love to look at faces, to talk to faces, and smile at faces.  You do not like to be left alone, ever.  You love your brothers, especially that big one who carries you around.  You hate tummy time and are content to lounge on your back (just so long as a face is close by).

You smile with your whole face.  You have deliciously chubby legs that make Mommy say silly things and tickle you.  You are ticklish on your cheeks and neck.  We will all do the most ridiculous things to hear your little giggle.

You do not like naps, unless Mommy holds you.  (We are currently working on breaking that one.)  You do not like bedtime, but have mostly fixed that one too.

You are the exact same size in almost every category that Daniel was at this age.  You seem bigger to me though.  We haven't tried solids yet but will after our vacation to the Milbauer Resort.  (You are going to love them as much as the rest of us do.)

Here are a few shots that your beautiful Auntie Sara took so we can all remember you at 4 months.  You were really loving her face; you gave her all your good smiles.

On Not Despairing

  I will no despair; God is in control...God is always good...God is always watching...God is always with me. 

I had reason to slip into despair last week.  Chris headed off on Wednesday early morning for his yearly FCA Endurance board retreat in sunny San Diego.  On Monday, Daniel woke up barking like a seal.  By Tuesday night I knew things were going to get ugly.  A fever seized him and he could not shake it.  He spent two days on the couch before I finally called the doctor. 

Four nights of no sleep and then Micah started throwing up.  A lot.  I had spitty babies with the older two so I knew this was not run of the mill spitting up.  This was full on clearing-out-the-contents-of-the-stomach throwing up.  Only, I didn't put it together right away because Daniel was so sick.  And I was all alone in my parenting. 

Except I am never alone.  One night I saw every hour tick by on the clock as I bounced between Daniel and Micah.  And I called out.  I knew as long as I was awake I needed to make the most of it.  So I prayed and begged for relief.

He sent it.  Her name is Ashley (I love Ashley's; I have a step-sister who makes me smile.  She is an Ashley).  She needed a place to stay while visiting her boyfriend (now fiance) and we have an extra room and heart to use it to serve.  She watched the older three on Saturday so I could get groceries.  She snuggled Micah right to sleep so I could snuggle Daniel and fold the fifteenth load of laundry I had done that week.  She colored with the big boys and listened to their stories and even watched a super hero movie with them.

God is good and in control and watching and always with me.  Sometimes He sends a reminder in the form of a beautiful young woman.

And I thank Him.