The Flip Side

As news of my career change has gotten out I have heard over and again how difficult it will be. Trust me, I do not suffer from any illusions that being the kind of mom God is shaping me into will be easy. I also am prepared for the "Oh" answer to the "What do you do?" question. The truth is I suffered under a far worse glare the past 6 years.

Nothing cuts to a mother's heart; to her confidence as a mother; to her very core like the glare and judgement of a stay at home mom when, in the midst of a conversation they make the assumption, "You do stay home don't you?" Or, once you have two children, "You must be staying home now that you are so busy."

So, if I can survive that I think my ego, confidence, and whatever else happened to be showing is scarred enough to handle the flip side

My identity is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ. I gave up looking for validation from strangers and friends long ago.

Death of a Passion

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a teacher. It started when I was a youngster. I was blessed enough to have a great aunt who was a teacher and she graciously shared her old teachers manuals. I remember using them to teach my stuffed animals and imaginary students. I felt like I was holding the holy grail when I held the book with all the answers. Once I hit high school I knew English and literature was my strong suit; certainly not anything with numbers. While I tried to deny my calling to be a teacher for a while, I entered my first classroom at the age of 25 and hadn't thought twice about it.

Until last year. Last year I had this terrible, nagging notion that I was not doing the right thing. And the passion and love I had for teaching began to die. I didn't really notice it at first and brushed it off as "first year frenzy". But that terrible, nagging notion just would not leave. All these questions swirled in my head at night when I wished to be sleeping.

"Who are you letting raise your kids?"

"Are you giving your family the best of you or are they getting the leftovers?"

"What does God really want you to do?"

And the passion and love for teaching I had continued to die. Only, I still failed to recognize it as such. But God has a way of making us see His way whether we like it or not. This school year has been the hardest I have had ever in all my years of teaching and part of the reason it is hard is because my passion died. I no longer have a passion to teach really cool lessons to puberty ridden teens.

But where there is death, God brings new life. A new passion is rising up in me, one I never thought possible. A passion to mother my kids like I never have before. I have always assumed I could do both:teach and be a wife and mother. What I have come to realize is that I couldn't. I have been giving my family the leftovers when they deserve the feast. And feast they shall for starting May 18 I begin to raise my boys and love my husband with undivided attention.

Because, who wouldn't want to be with this much adorableness all day?

Dear John

Dearest John,

It has been the greatest fun these last eight weeks to spend time with just you (and Daniel). I have seen a side of you that I didn't even know was there. Here are a few things I have noticed about you:

1. You love to talk. You talk to nice old ladies in the store, to yourself, to your Puppy, to Zay, to everybody.

2. You are fiercely protective of me and Daniel. My favorite moment was when we visited with my boss and you told him I was your mom and Daniel was your baby.

3. You have an amazing imagination. I love playing whales and sharks; mammoths and tiger tooth tigers (aka saber tooth tigers); cars. All of those games end up in a grand fight and you always tell me exactly what I need to do.

4. You LOVE peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You ate one every day, except 2.

5. You are a master negotiator. I think it has to do with that darling smile and those crystal blue eyes.

6. You are much smarter than you give yourself credit for (or than I gave you credit for).

7. You take your cereal "regular" and your coffee with lots of creamer.

Tomorrow will be hard for both of us. But remember, it is only a few weeks until school is over for the year. And then, maybe, God willing, we will get to spend many more days together.

You bring me great joy, John!

Love you,

Mama

Things I can't make up

Life in our house often presents itself with situations and conversations that I simply couldn't make up if I even tried.

1) I worked out this morning for the first time in 9 months. It wasn't pretty. When I was done Elijah said, "So, Mom, are you going to loose like 100 pounds?" I replied, "Do you think I need to loose 100 pounds?" "Well, yes. And you should look like that girl in the first Transformers."

2) In the van on the way home from picking up Elijah yesterday John started a sentence with, "You know, when I was a little boy..." I didn't hear the rest because I was laughing too hard.

3) I have recently started laying Daniel down on a small playmat. I hung some toys from it to try to stimulate his little brain. Yesterday when I peaked at him he was smiling and cooing at a little dog, ducky, bunny toy. We affectionately named them, "his little friends".

4) John gravitates between really loving me and really not liking me, depending on which side of the Anderson law he is currently on. One day he got right in my face and told me that he did not like me anymore and would no longer play with me. He was quite suprised when I smiled and told him I didn't really like his behavior but I sure loved him. "Weeelll,(he draws it out southern style) I don't like your behavior and I'm still not going to play with you!"

5) Elijah has decided that a certain 1st grade girl is really pretty and so he spends his recess chasing her or trying to get away from his buddies who try to capture him and bring him to her. We have had several conversations about the Anderson law of not dating until you are 25 and no kissing girls until you are married (except for Mom, Auntie Sara, and Grandmas). Elijah has since decided that the girl is not that pretty afterall because, "She doesn't love Jesus." That's my boy!

No Other Gods

I am reading the book "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. Truthfully I am mostly reading it because my dearly beloved bought it for me for Christmas. There isn't a thing in that book that I don't already know. I am sure that sounds prideful or arrogant, however, it is the truth.

Ms. Minter asserts in her book that one of the paramount reasons we all seek idols is because of a "powerful ache of being unloved or perpetually unchosen." I don't disagree. Much of my life has been wrapped up in the pursuit of approval from those around me. And when I don't have people around me, it is in the pursuit of people to get around me so that I can pursue their approval. (Whew! It makes me tired just thinking of all that pursuit.)

But when I look at my life and I look at how I spend my time I know my main idol is the worthless box that sits in my living room flashing pictures and sound at me. I know I should turn it off, unplug it, maybe even throw it away. But I don't want to. That worthless box numbs my mind, gives me a quick "fix" of fiction, allows me to relax.

What I am really missing is a love relationship with my Heavenly Father. What I am really missing is a hunger and thirst for righteousness. What I am really missing is a desire so deep and driving that I can't stop myself from growing closer to Him.

And so I begin the journey of tearing away from the grip of the TV. I pray Psalm 119:37, "Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." I pray for a hunger and thirst for the word of God because I know it is what sustains man.