An Update on the 30 day Challenge

I am 25 days into the 30 day challenge. I have missed two days. I wish I could say I was a transformed woman. I wish I could say the Word was with me all day. I can't say that.

What I can say is that I know God hears me (Psalm 17:6; Psalm 54:2). I know God does not withold favor from those who walk is blameless (Psalm 84:11-12). I know that if I trust in God my circumstances will not shake me (Psalm 125:1). I know that hope in the Lord lifts my soul (Psalm 42:11). I know that God will reveal my offensive ways and create in me a clean heart (Psalm 139:23-24; Psalm 51:10). I know God is my shield, my peace, my strength (Psalm 112:1, Psalm 119:165, Psalm 7:10). I know that God finishes what He starts (Psalm 138:8).

I can also say that I needed to hear all of those things. I feel connected (most of the time) and that is huge. I can say that journaling has helped me process what I have read and those entries are creating a wonderful dialogue.

30 Day Challenge

I need accountability. I need a deadline. I need self-control.
Today I took my Sunday School teacher's 30 day challenge. The class is on developing a devotional life. A discipline I stink at. But now I am committed. I have to report to the whole class in 30 days.
I pray that in these 30 days I develop the firm foundation I have been longing for. I want so much to build my house on the Rock. To not get to Heaven only to learn God never knew me.

I 'll keep you posted.

She was right

So, sometimes I think my sister exaggerates just a little bit. When she was talking about how emotional it was to see our little guys all up on stage singing about Jesus, I thought she might be a little on the dramatic side. She wasn't. Last night Josiah, Elijah, Isaiah, and John marched out to get ready to sing and I had tears streaming down my face. There they were, our little men, getting ready to tell us all to stay awake and be ready; the Lord is coming soon (or not if you ask John). And while they didn't all sing; they all knew the words (I've heard them all sing/shout/say them a few times in the last weeks). It was more than this mom could bear. It is all I desire in this world is that those four boys will be awake and ready to follow hard and fast after our Savior.

The thing is...

I really feel a little bit mad and maybe a bit disappointed and partially scared. I got what I wanted; I got a new job. I got to move closer to my sister and other family. It is what I have wanted. But, the house still isn't sold. There it sits in Minnesota. Our beautiful house, with the beautiful backyard and porch is just sitting there. Nobody wants to buy it. And I feel mad and disappointed and scared that the God who can do ANYTHING is not doing anything. He gives us glimpses of hope but the no offers come. I know in my head that what is coming on the other side will be beautiful and wonderful and full of lessons. It's my heart that is driving me right now. I can't get my head and my heart to agree so at night, when I should be sleeping I fret, and worry and pray some. Beg really. During the day when I should be thinking of brilliant ways to reach my students I fret about the money we are spending out of our savings. When I get home at night I have a pit in my stomach.
I don't know what to do about it. I know I will keep praying and seeking and knowing I love a God who is bigger than this.

Dear Elijah,

Dear Elijah,

Five years ago today you graced the world with your presence. You didn't really want to. It took three days for you to be convinced that the world wasn't so horrible. Really, let's be honest, the doctor had to take you out. It amazes me that you are still a little reluctant to try new things but once you do you embrace them whole-heartedly. You shy away from talking to new people but once you do they are your friend for life. You care so much about others and always have something to share. It seems hard to remember a time when you weren't talking. It comes from me. I think I have always been talking too.

People say you are my mini-me. But we both know you are all God's handiwork. It brings me more joy than you know that you are putting God's word in your heart. At the end of a rough day, hearing you recite your AWANA verse brings me a smile. My prayer for you every day is that those words are imbedded in your heart and that you grow to be just like your Daddy. A man who loves Jesus more than anything.

For some reason this birthday makes me a little sad. You are hitting a milestone. Moving from toddler to boyhood. You are no longer that very "solid" bundle of smiles. You have grown into a boy. I just pray you will always give your Mom the hugs I look forward too all day. I pray that boyhood doesn't take away your desire to share every detail of your day with me.

I love you, Elijah. Happy 5th birthday.